This post is inspired by and dedicated to a dear friend who is having a challenging time right now. My friend is brilliant and wonderful, empathic and beautiful, and an excellent support to the people in her life. This morning we texted and she filled me in a bit on what she’s been going through and the emotions surrounding it and the patterns that have emerged of late and, without wanting to be prescriptive or preachy (which is exactly what I said), I offered some of the tools I try to use when I’m having difficult times/feelings.
The most effective for me is movement … exercise of any kind is the best antidepressant this side of antidepressants. Some years ago, when I went through a bad bout of depression, my doctor suggested I incorporate more exercise into my life—this at a time when it would have been impossible to incorporate any less. I belonged to an extremely unwelcoming gym and going to it was among the last things I felt like doing, so I didn’t. I’ve since learned that a gym is not necessary to gain the mental health benefits of movement – taking a walk, not a power walk, can be enough. Don’t feel like leaving your home? Pace. Do some jumping jacks. Dance like no one’s watching because it would be kind of creepy if someone were. Movement is medicine. I may have just coined that – nope, just looked it up.
Meditation has become an important, albeit irregular, part of my life. Some other years ago (eight-and-a-half, to be precise), my mom gifted me Transcendental Meditation, which one learns through a certified teacher over the course of a couple of days. It took me many months to actually take the plunge and the reason for that was that I found the idea of learning something I was supposed to practice every single day daunting. But eventually I learned it and I took to it. Then something happened in November of 2016 that made me not want to be alone with my thoughts, so I fell off the wagon. I got back on and then this happened in 2018 and I fell off again, and so on and so forth with the ups and the downs and the times I’m okay hanging out in my mind and the times I need distraction. And this is all okay. I am currently in a good phase with TM but I am also in a phase where, if the day gets away from me, I don’t worry that I’ll undo all the good I’ve done by missing a couple of sessions. Meditation does not have to be formal or rigid. It can be closing your eyes for thirty seconds and breathing. It can be repeating an encouraging mantra while you take one of the aforementioned walks, or aforementioned pacing sessions around your room.
I guess what I’m getting at is that my toolbox is full and each implement comes in many varieties; I have a Phillips Head screwdriver, a flat one, a tiny one for my reading glasses, and a cordless one that runs on batteries. They all essentially do the same thing, some more effectively than others, but none are a waste of time. I can also use a butter knife or a letter opener in a pinch.
I feel compelled to point out that I didn’t lead in conversation with my friend with my unsolicited advice, I led with understanding of why she’s feeling the way she is — the suggestions above came later, by way of relating to the feelings she’s feeling and mentioning how I work to counter them.
Forgot to add: hydrate, people, throughout the day every day.
Many of the people in my life who are my age-ish are going through these challenging phases of needing to be present for people older and younger than we are, being relied upon in tangible and intangible ways, and for many women I know, this very often comes at the cost of keeping our own wants and needs in mind. Add to this the modern-day phenomenon of people expecting immediate answers via text, and frazzled becomes a way of life. It is an overused metaphor but an apt one for all of us, the value in putting on one’s own oxygen mask, etc. You know the rest. It’s overused for a reason: it’s the truth.
I have worked hard to eradicate the words “should” and “sorry” from my vernacular. Should I slip, I apologize.
I am also working on letting go of both attachment to outcome and need for perfection. I am getting married in ten days, and while that fact is a beautiful one, and the plans we’ve made are wonderful, every little detail has not been and will not be. And that’s okay. Flexibility is my friend. Appreciating what is and letting that speak louder than what isn’t is my goal. As anyone who’s in any line of work or play that requires feedback knows, 99 yeses are dampened by one no. Let’s all work to make the yeses matter more.
I am also being published next year. I am very, very happy about this and it has been a very, very long road with some intense disappointments and existential crises along the way.
This is where I am right now and it is where I’m supposed to be. Beautiful friend for whom I wrote this, you are as you should be, and I love you for it. And this goes for all the rest of you.
Thank you for reading.
footnote: lyric from “Eyes of the World” by the Grateful Dead, a band whose music has become as large and perhaps more consistent a part of my life than movement, meditation, AND gratitude (yes I see the irony). Working to bring them all up to speed.
firstsweetpang 