Apparently I won’t be falling back asleep anytime soon. Le grand sigh. In part this is because I’m really looking forward to the trip I’m (we’re) taking on Tuesday, so much so that I can’t quiet my mind about it – and my mind is busy translating my thoughts into French as best it can. Each time I’ve been there has been an entirely different experience, and so while there will be plenty of familiar there will be a lot more new. What I think is really well-timed about this is that it will break us of our routine(s), or lack thereof, in my case. It will mean planning and structuring and rolling-with in a different time zone and a different language and a different atmosphere. I feel like each time I go there I wipe clean the slate of whatever’s been bogging me down on this side of the pond. Not that it makes it all better, but it re-aligns the thought processes that decide how good or not-so things here are.
One thing, one life lesson, that I’ve struggled with for a very long time and just been re-reminded of is this: if someone has adamantly decided to believe their version of you they will. It doesn’t matter how much you try to show them who you actually are, how much you beg and plead and dance around them and self-depracate and self-indulge to show them you know you’re no better than anyone else – if they’ve decided you think far more of yourself than you do anyone else, they want or need to think that. And that’s what it comes down to – we believe what we believe out of self-preservation. “He’s delusional, that’s why he doesn’t trust me.” or “She’s wrapped up in her own stuff, that’s why I feel alone.” or whatever the case may be. As a darling friend “said” (we don’t say anymore, we post) “Every morning that you wake up is another chance to get it right.” This is my self-preservation. I err I hurt I fuck up I ruin but I know how to apologize and I know above all else that as long as I’m on this planet I can try again and do better next time. I can’t erase my missteps, I’ve tried and just left a cloud of chalkdust of ugliness and confusion – best tact is to leave it be and clean up our version of it – apologies are so much easier and more liberating than defenses will ever be – and move forward.
My friend Cheech avers that words that contain the letter K are inherently funny. ThinK about it: monkey. chicken. kangaroo. duck.