Un vrai cauchemar …


I had deeply disturbing and intense dreams last night. I’m usually decent at analyzing dreams, but I need some distance from this one in order to do so. Three adults and three children had been kidnapped — I don’t recall details except that the perps were male — and were set out to sea in adjoining rafts. I went from observer to participant and then back to observer; at one point we realized that the kids’ raft had drifted away and we could no longer see them. We floated for a very long time until we saw land, then decided to swim the rest of the way. When we arrived on shore a group of benevolent islanders came to our rescue with blankets, watermelon juice, and food. Apparently I’d fallen for one of the two men I’d been trapped with. This faded away and I saw the back story of the kids, who’d all run away from home. They’d robbed their way through several small towns; the oldest kid, a boy, was about 12 years old and driving his dad’s car. These were all small-town kids from abusive homes; the younger were a boy and a girl of six years old. They went to a lake, very similar to one on which I boated outside of Los Angeles last summer (which is a story in itself), and stole a motorized, inflatable boat. As they made their escape the lake turned into an ocean, and this is where our crafts were connected. 

Is this boring? My mom once told me that nothing is more boring that listening to other peoples’ dreams, but I suspect that’s because I was giving her a very long-winded explanation of one I’d just had. 

The last thing I recall is a news report about the kids’ raft having been found, empty; they knew it was the right one because of the “tiny footprints” still imprinted on the surface. 

Any ideas? 

In general, weird dreams aside, I’ve been very much enjoying my new routine of going to sleep at a reasonable hour and having full mornings — something I have not experienced quite often enough as an adult. Most mornings have entailed my running late and arriving wherever I’m meant to arrive with wet hair. I’ve gotten quite adept at applying makeup in transit. So this is a vast improvement. 

I spent this past Sunday without human company, once my weekend guest departed. And while I usually love Sundays, I realize now that I need to make end-of-weekend plans more often. I felt lonelier than I have in a very long time, for reasons I fully understand, and it was difficult. So I will do my best to avoid this in the future. Loneliness is daunting and, I’ve come to learn, can be easily mistaken for heartache. In fact it’s very different. I have a tremendous group of people in my life, and what I need is to get better at being comfortable without constant plans. I love many things about my life, have no shortage of projects to work on, and live in a city where there is plenty to do — almost too much at times. I think I’ve become so accustomed to having company and distractions of the male persuasion that I’ve forgotten how to just be. So that’s on the list, now, too. 

That said, I’m looking forward to this coming Sunday, because I do have plans with lovely friends. In the meantime I have my ## high school reunion to attend. Not committing to the whole thing, just stopping by, which is perfect. I stopped by my last college reunion, had a surprisingly good time, and left without it having grown stale. 

The other day I passed a man who was having an impassioned conversation in which he could easily have been describing my ex, the Vanishing Man. He said, “It’s narcissistic personality disorder! He’s completely disconnected from reality!”

Ain’t love grand?

The photo above is from the Irish countryside. In 2007 I went on tour with my then-boyfriend and his band, to Norway and Ireland — two countries I’d never had an active interest in visiting. In addition to being prohibitively expensive, Norway was gorgeous — it was late summer, and the sun didn’t set until well past 11pm. Ireland was lush and beautiful and friendly. I’m craving my next trip abroad. If only one could earn a living traveling and writing …

Today, I pledge, I am diving back into my screenplay. If you know me, please hold me to this. This is the year I complete some of the many projects I’ve started.

I’ll finish this post later.

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