Tranquility is very satisfying to say; it hits each part of the palate and has good mouthfeel, a word more often used when describing wine and chocolate. It has become one of my mantras; the night that I waited several hours for Vanishing Man to appear, I repeated it in my mind, along with Graciousness, Generosity, and Strength. Be it the power of suggestion or otherwise, I was able to channel these things when he showed up, and this is something I should do more often when I’m under stress or duress. Like now, for instance, as my dear dog releases his staccato bark at the counter, because he’s certain it’s filled with things he should have. There’s a pile of mail, my purse, a remote control and the remnants of an iced coffee.
He’s quieted down. As I was saying, mantras have worked for me in the past. Some years ago I took a meditation workshop with a woman who moved at a frenetic pace and travelled the world with her dog, Shanti. I actually got a lot out of the workshop, though I still don’t really “know” how to meditate. The mantra element was incredibly helpful that fall, when I went on a two week trip in southern France with my parents, some family friends, and a boyfriend who was very unhappy and argumentative the entire time. I dealt with the situation by taking long walks in the rainy countryside and repeating a mantra that now eludes me. It worked, in that I was able to keep calm and carry on.
This past weekend, I attended the wedding of a very dear friend who has earned his happiness and then some. I reconnected with several old friends, one of whom I emailed with today. We’re going to get together Wednesday morning (because I now have mornings to plan), and he asked if [###] was still my phone number. It was, in fact, the phone number my ex and I had on Christopher Street when we moved back to New York in 1998. I asked him to call it and offer my under-30-year-old self advice for getting through the next decade. He told me that he did, and that he advised younger me to “not take it all so seriously”. Maybe that would have helped, not having taken everything so seriously. Maybe I “should” have taken some things more seriously. Either way, the notion of going back to advise and comfort my former self is appealing and perhaps worth writing about, in fiction form.
So much heartbreak in my world right now — not my own, for I realize now that I mistook narcissism and false notions of superiority for attractiveness and one from whom I could learn – and WOW was I wrong about that. Seeing the truth is brilliant at times.
I’ve posted the Vanished Man’s remaining items on Craig’s List and gotten a bite – and whether or not it comes to fruition, I have unequivocally moved beyond him. And false notions of superiority and attractiveness helped in a very big way, so for that I thank the one who helped. I hope someday you’ll realize how I helped you, too. But your current attitude only solidifies my sense of self, so for that I thank you too.
I had an excellent meeting tonight. I have a new and excellent professional prospect that I’ve not yet shared with any of my nearest and dearest. Above all I am moving forward; I’d meant to write about my Sunday in the rawest of terms; perhaps I will in a little while. Perhaps not.