I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.
This quotation is from Hafez, a 13th Century Persian poet. Timeless and resonant. There are many people in my world who struggle to see the astonishing light of their beings, and words are no quick fix for decades of self-doubt. I’ve been there before, I was there for years, but I’m beginning to figure it out – my strengths, and what I have to offer. I’m certainly aware – too aware, I think – of my weaknesses.
The friend who introduced me to Hafez wrote this to me some weeks ago:
Thank you for writing this blog. You are incredible and beautiful and somehow after 12 years of us knowing each other, but not being in touch, you helped me today. You helped me get through a staggering heartbreak that made me feel alone, confused and helpless. Thank you for writing this blog.
It’s hard to express what this means to me. This is as good a reason to keep this going as any I can imagine. That and the comment I received today: I love your mind. Makes me swoon.
Swoon, darling, swoon.
As I’ve said before I am incredibly blessed with the people in my life, friends who have stood by me in my darkest hours, even when I’ve made it really difficult to stand by me. I’ve behaved dreadfully at times, and I’ve met with great forgiveness. Apologizing is important; forgiving is necessary for the soul.
I need to start going to sleep earlier. I resist it – always have – because I don’t want to miss anything. So I wind up missing sleep, and that’s not good. I’m foggy today.
I don’t know what the future holds – obviously, and I’m bewildered by the present; it took me by surprise. But I do know this: It is so, so lovely to no longer be in a horrible excuse for a relationship, one that was built on codependency and wishful thinking. One that, when I heard the key in the door, gave me a feeling in the pit of my stomach – wasps, not butterflies. One in which I felt the need to try to convince when I should have ignored the delusional accusations. One whose mother sent me a chart on the different types of abuse in relationships. One who required a preamble before friends met him. Extenuating circumstances, I’d explain. Traumatic childhood. Non-linear thinker.
My world is so much brighter without toxicity.