Right now I feel stronger and better than I have in quite some time. So let’s embrace this. Yesterday was a bit of a beast – jet lag, post-Ambien blues, residual heartache, work-related angst and stress, emotional overload. ‘Twas a rough one but I knew I’d get through it, I told myself I would, and I did. I think at times I’ve been reticent to tell myself this lest I let go of fear for a fleeting moment and some malevolent higher power take this opportunity to say, “Ha! Idiot! You dropped your guard and now everything’s that much worse!” I’ve been working for years on eradicating my fear of this MHP – one that would strike down any loved one toward whom I felt anger or about whom I stopped worrying. Powerful entity, that, and a demon of my own creation. I don’t know how long this feeling will last and so I will record it; though that same part of me fears that the mere act of recording it will chase it away. Is this making any sense? The jet lag persists and I’ve not yet had coffee.
Yesterday two dear female friends worked on helping me see the truth behind the vanishing act of my former paramour. He’s no longer missing, he’s staying away – from me and the others in his life – and though some clarity would help the moving on process, it is not a prerequisite because it can’t be. I heard from two of his equally baffled family members, neither of whom is gripped by the fear that I am, and that helps immeasurably. It is out of my hands – it is out of all of our hands – and there is no limit to what I could do in effort to sort this out, i.e. phoning every hospital in this very large city, filling out a missing person’s report, posting flyers around town, posting desperate pleas on social media, trying to track down everyone he’s ever mentioned, and more. He’s retreated. It’s nobody’s fault – we’ve all tried to love him and help him feel loved and ultimately his mistrust of trust is out of our control. This does not mean I won’t still have waves of debilitating fear for his safety or sadness for what could(n’t?) have been or for how I did or did not contribute to this present situation, but right now I feel that part of me is ready to give this up to the stars and move beyond.
Yesterday, in a ten-second interval I could have easily missed, I ran into one of my favorite people in the universe on the corner of 36th and Park – kismet and comfort in the blink of an eye.
And pre-planned, hours-long comfort with another favorite person and fellow traveler in recent heartache. A lifelong friendship developing in real time.
Now I need coffee. May this day be one of strength, comfort and kismet.