Heartache is a curious beast. A strange bird. A disillusioned cat. I’m feeling it fairly intensely right now and truth be told, I’m not sure why. I’m not sure what is going on so it’s hard to place my emotions accordingly. I do know that I’ve done a lot of waiting and hoping and crying in recent weeks and that that is not the way it’s supposed to be. I know what I “should” do – we all, most of us, know what we “should” do, but knowing and executing are very different things. And matters of the heart are rarely black and white – I have a hard time retracting love once I’ve committed to it. This is a wonderful quality a small percentage of the time. Except, of course, where family and friends are concerned, because that love is constant and unconditional. Close friends. I have several exes in my life and this has caused conflict in relationships until the future-exes meet the ex-exes and realize there is nothing to be concerned about. People ask me how I manage to do it – I’ve never “hated” an ex – for once I see the vulnerable side, the little boy inside the tortured artist (I kid, they’ve not all been artists), I hold onto that. And I usually date people that I at least start out liking, so getting back to that place does not take much work. For as dark as I can be, as many demons as I’ve faced and as negative or callous as I’ve been accused of being, I am, at heart, an eternal optimist.
It’s going to get better, because it has to.